There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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