the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
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