worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
