Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
