One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
