There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
