Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
