we have pet lesbian snakes
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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