There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
