I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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