I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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