i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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