he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
