ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
