WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
