I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
