He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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