I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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