At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
