Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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