i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
