I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
