I think my fart just growled at me.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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