Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I need to sanitize my soul.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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