Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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