You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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