i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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