She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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