Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
