Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
