I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
