she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
