Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
