wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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