Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
