How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
