I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
