just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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