just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
