Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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