What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You ruined the universe
Randomize
