mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I love you. Go after that dick
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
