Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
