Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
