The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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