i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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