She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
