perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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