The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
