Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
