Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
