Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
now i know why i became what i already was.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
