I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
