Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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