i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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